Maybe, I know.

What am I doing here? I am not sure, really, so I go through this site’s beginner’s tutorial. I am still not able to find a focus for this blog, as I am questioning my presence on this site. I am afraid my focus here will not exactly be focused, but rather very jumbled…

I go through the questions backward:
“Who’s your target audience?” I am not sure how to answer this as I’m not really expecting to have any readers.

“What’s your perspective?” My perspective would be that of a twenty- year old female student majoring in English literature who calls Seattle home. 

“What topics are you most interested in?” Art and words in every form, literature, music, travel, cats. 

“What’s your goal?” I don’t know. I am unsure. I think I just need to do something. I am an English literature major, yet I hardly write. I read often, but rarely document my thoughts. I hurt, believe, listen, desire, observe, live, ache, walk, wander, exist- but still feel I am not doing it right. Because I am not doing it enough. I am not effectively categorizing my life, I don’t believe. I feel rough in many areas. I believe, but I don’t always know what. I feel hurt and happy and some in- between feeling, and I don’t always know why. I know things about myself, but nothing concrete. Maybe that makes my target audience people who don’t know and are unsure, trying to find themselves and their footing in this big, scary, beautiful world. Maybe I am looking for a bigger perspective, a broadening of horizons and this is the place to document that. Maybe my goal is to discover and create and practice and experience and cease undermining my voice by using the word “maybe” so often. Maybe, I know, that I am afraid of my voice and am tired of the crippling effect it has on my life. I came across this quote today from Philip Pullman in Fairy Tales from the Brothers Grimm. and it was like a wakening call of my own life.

“But we’re never content with living well if we think we can live better.”  

I am not content. I can do better. I should be able to answer the questions from the beginner’s tutorial. I can fight fear of being incorrect, weak, inadequate, or just plain bad. 

My favorite singer/songwriter/artist/person has a song called “The Fear” and the chorus goes as follows:

I’ve been worrying that my time is a little unclear
I’ve been worrying that I’m losing the one’s I hold dear
And I’ve been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear

And the bridge:

I will become what I deserve

Today, the words of Philip Pullman and Ben Howard are resonating within my bones. I am not content and need to recognize my power to change that. I feel compelled to ignite a fire within my mind, heart, and soul to discover and experience and document, knowing that my output reflects my input, and hopefully that can be something worthy. 

These jumbled thoughts to be continued…


One thought on “Maybe, I know.

  1. Hummm…something everyone journeys through. It’s how we were created. Continue to search. The answers may be closer than you think…praying for you because I know how this feels too

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